she just changes her mind

i heard the song "she's always a woman" by billy joel the other day... i'm gonna go out on a limb here and say it was either at the mirkwood or at starbucks, since those are basically the only two places i go. anyway, it reminded me how when i was a kid, and other little girls my age were dreaming of growing up to be princesses and ballerinas or whatever the hell little girls dream of growing up to be, i wanted to grow up to be like the woman in that song; a fuckin badass. i don't know why it sounded appealing, it still does kind of. it's like shit, i can do whatever i want and you're gonna like it!

then, when i was a teenager, i wanted to be gwen stefani. make that - teenager through young adult. ok, i kind of still want to be gwen stefani. i mean, look at the woman for crying out loud!

she's like 40, has popped out a couple of kids, and she's still way hotter than i have ever been, or will ever be. of course i most prefer her look from the return of saturn era with the pink hair and bright colors and whatnot, but still. there were years there when i would go to the thrift store to get clothes and my basic fashion guideline was "would gwen wear this?". i ended up with a very eclectic wardrobe, as you might guess.

then in more recent years, i wanted to be like, a non-gothy version of neil gaiman's "death" from the sandman series. i definitely had her haircut for a while, and i wore an ankh necklace all the time to remind myself to not take things too seriously, to be of good cheer, see the goodness in people, and not to take things for granted. still good lessons.

well, clearly none of those things really ended up working out for me. i won't "promise you more than the garden of eden" then "carelessly cut you and laugh while you're bleeding", nor am i a multi-millionaire rock chick with my own clothing line, and i also am not the grim reaper, sadly. i may have bits and pieces of all of those things, but i'm not really sure yet who i am, or what i am, or even what i want to be now. i guess you really spend your whole life figuring that out though, and i'm about a quarter of the way there, i suppose.