flawed and petty little dream

"deal with it", i tell myself.
how exactly, i wonder, do you deal with what you're dealt in life?
"just deal with it".
what is "dealing" with something, really? it means nothing more than to stop blubbering about it, ignore it, and do other things - things that make you not think about it. pretend it doesn't exist, it didn't happen, none of it ever happened, it is less than a dream. it is nothing. it is quite the opposite of a dream. it is the antithesis of a dream. whatever that is, is it.
but nothing is nothing. even in the in between spaces where there is nothingness, there is something. there is even antimatter, which is SOMETHING.
so there really is no way to make it go away. to make hurt go away. you just slap a fake plastic smile on your worthless face and find something to occupy your time. try. try to do things that make you happy, even for a short amount of time.
why do i need validation from outside sources? it's not just me, right? other people feel that way too. it's not good enough to just live inside yourself all the time, thinking and writing, and telling yourself that you are... i don't even know. i don't know what i AM. or even really what i want to be. i mean really. i have goals that i want to achieve, for sure, but most of them are career goals and material goals. those aren't REAL goals. i suppose they are as real as any other. but your career is not who you are. things you own are not who you are. but that is the way that we tend to define ourselves in the world.
so what do i want? what do i wish i was? what i am? it's really hard to answer. i suppose, i want to be kind, i want to be fun, i want to be funny, i want to be generous, i want to be caring, i want to be loving, i want to be loved, i want to be important, i want to be... a lot of things. the problem is, that you can't really be any of these things just within yourself. it's not enough to just be kind to yourself, to just have fun being by yourself, to be funny, but only to yourself, to love only yourself, etc. you need other people around to BE these things, or it isn't really real. ah, there's the rub. so you DO need outside sources to confirm what you are. you can't just tell yourself you're something, someone has to be there to witness it, to measure it, in order to make it so. kind of like shrodinger's cat. but i'll leave THAT for another blog.
so i can't just keep to myself all the time. don't get me wrong, i do enjoy my own company, and when i am in my own company is definitely when i feel my freest, when i feel the most like me. maybe the only time i really feel like me, whoever i am. but in order to really exist, you have to share your existence with other people. i feel like i'm going off an a tangent, as usual. that's why i can never really complete a thought.
i guess part of the point was, that is why you need outside validation. that is why you need people around you, to appreciate you, in order for you to fully appreciate yourself, to love you, in order to really love yourself. i've heard over and over that you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else, and that's only partially true. if you hate yourself, completely hate yourself, i guess you can't really love someone else, you will only project your hatred and misery onto other people. maybe that's what evil is. well, i know i'm not evil. i at least LIKE myself. no, i do love myself. a lot. maybe not completely, but it's impossible to COMPLETELY love yourself, or anyone else, i think. there are always going to be some things about yourself or anyone else that you don't love. if you disagree, you are in terrible denial. but maybe you have to love other people in order to love yourself more. other people are just reflections of yourself. you are drawn to people who reflect the things about yourself that you like the most. maybe they even exemplify it better than you do, but it's still something inside you that you like, and the people that you like the most are the ones who remind you of all of the things that you like about yourself. sometimes you learn to love people as you learn to love new things about yourself, and sometimes it comes on like fire. loving people is easy. i love a lot of people.
the other point, i guess, is if love is so easy, why is it also so easy to hurt? how is it that other people have the power to make you feel like you are not all of the things that you are. how can other people have the power to take that away from you? maybe when you love someone, and i'm talking on a broad level here, not even romantic love, or not just romantic love, but platonic, familial, etc. oh, now i've lost my train of thought. one of them anyway. what was i getting at? maybe it's feeling that people are denying you of the things that you like, i guess. that sounds stupid. if someone possesses the things that you like about yourself, then you like them. if they don't particularly like you, or make it feel like they don't particularly like you, then you are hurt because you feel that they are saying "you are not these things that you thought you were. i am these things, they are mine. not yours. you can't have them."
i guess it's a self-worth thing, really. you should have enough confidence in yourself to be able to say "no. i AM these things. i don't need anyone to tell me that i am, i just AM." but it's not true. it gets back to the thought that you need other people's validation to really be something. it's just funny that we give people that kind of power over our lives. other people shouldn't be able to hurt you. or maybe they're the only ones who can? it's not fair. i don't know who ever lead me to believe that anything in life is fair! it's not.
it's also the loss of control. if someone else is hurting you, you have no control over it. if you are hurting yourself, you are in complete control. it's a little satisfying to hurt yourself, because that is complete control. you are the only one who is in control of the decision to do whatever it happens to be. there are lots of ways to hurt yourself. i'm not sure if everyone hurts themselves, but i think so, in some fashion or another.
so. none of is has any point. you do the things you do, and it is what it is. and life there is no point in denying that life is a succession of giving and receiving, and love and loss, and happiness and hurt and cliches. i just hope that mine can start being more love and happiness and less pain sometime soon. i'm not sure there is anything to be done about it. i hate that about myself. that i don't have control over how i feel. i guess no one does.