through the gates of horn and ivory

last night, for the first time in a few months, i didn't have nightmares all night and wake up nauseous. i don't know why. i actually had a GOOD dream. it was fucking lovely, which makes it almost worse than having a nightmare, because i woke up to realize that it was just a stupid dream and clearly i was still alone. and it was one of those really vivid, lucid dreams that i so rarely get, though now i am forgetting the details, it's more just a feeling, a yummy fuzzy warm feeling that i missed having, and it's painful to have because i don't think it will be coming back any time soon since i haven't got any say in anything. so now it's just a really nice memory of a resolution that i only wish had happened. sad, silly girl.
the only thing that i did differently last night from most nights was that i forgot to bring home my computer so i was forced to read BOOKS instead of go online, which was actually really nice. i read the first part of "the sandman companion" which talks about hidden layers in the sandman graphic novel series. then i started reading "a bridge across forever" which is a book by richard bach, the author of the book "illusions" which is by far one of my favorite novels ever. it's a close tie with "the bell jar" for being my favorite actually. anyway, i have had this book on my shelf forever but been reluctant to read it, probably because the subtitle is "a love story" but fuck, that's the subtitle for wristcutters too and that is an amazing movie. and it's richard bach is amazing, so i convinced myself to start reading it. being that it is a love story, evidently, it's probably going to end up making me sad later on, but right now it's nice, and reminiscent of illusions. side note - i happen to have TWO copies of a bridge across forever, hardback and paperback, which i discovered last night. why do i have two copies of everything? i don't know anyone who reads books.... so i have no idea who to give it to. anyway, i fell asleep after reading the first chapter of a bridge across forever, in which he debates whether or not there is such a thing as a soulmate, and why most of the really spiritually advanced people in history never seem to have a partner.
i personally think it's very unlikely that everyone has one soulmate. at least today that's what i think. tomorrow i might change my mind. free will, you know. i think it's far more likely that there are soulmates or soul groups, which can include friends and family or anyone that you are supposed to, or are more inclined to spend portions of your life with for whatever reason. for example, if there are soulmates, i am 100% sure that aurora is one of mine. she is just one of those rare people where i am like "she GETS it", not many people REALLY do. and on the romantic aspect,if we are going with this soulmate theory, then obviously a lot of people get with people that aren't one of their potential soulmates and have horrid relationships, and other people probably do get with others who are one of their soulmates but muck it up before for one reason or another. anyway, not to sound unromantic, but i doubt there is any ONE person for another. there are maybe a handful at least that you can have an almost perfect relationship with, it's just a matter of finding them. but i'm not even going to bother looking. all of mine are probably in siberia or something and i'll never find them if i look anyway. or i was already with all of them at some point and was too timid or too impatient and fucked it ten ways from sunday. i guess i will just wait for one to come to me or be alone. some days i like being alone, but most of the time i fucking despise it. oh well, goodnight. hopefully the sandman will be kind to me and bring me more nice dreams tonight, and if it continues, i will just attempt to sleep as much as possible from now on.