beginning with an end. -or- some things never change.

i guess i'll begin this blog with the end of my last blog, because... nothing ever changes. i can look at a post from years back and relate. just the names and places change. so, with that... journal entry from august 27th, 2008.

i feel slightly depressed today
it is probably the weather
not that i like the sun or anything
but the clouds CAN be depressing and lonely
in a beautiful way
do you ever feel like you aren't SUPPOSED to be happy?
or that that pain is prettier?
at least it feels like something
the past week has been a whirlwind and the only conclusion that i have come to is that i am so incredibly selfish
and i don't think that there is any solution
even when i am happy, i'm sad
even when i'm in love, i'm lonely
today it feels like there is a huge void inside of me, and no amount of music or food or love or accolades or money or anything else can quite fill it
even when i am full, i'm empty
i guess that is the source of my selfishness
it's infuriating to always grasp at what is out of your reach
to be helpless in any given situation
this must be what babies feel like
at least i don't shit myself
but babies grow up and grow out of that
or maybe they don't
maybe this is just what HUMANS feel like
are other animals content? other things?
are starfish content?
are flowers content?
is a table content?
i think that i deserve more than i get, and it's frustrating
but i suppose i don't deserve it after all, or i would get it, have it, keep it
then the sense of inadequacy seeps in
a longing to just curl up in a dimly lit corner with a sylvia plath novel and commisserate with the words
maybe if i could figure out what i wanted, i could have it
until then it's just a vague longing for something that isn't there
a sense of something missing
something doesn't quite fit
something is amiss in the world
something is not right in the universe
something strange is afoot at the circle K