she just changes her mind

i heard the song "she's always a woman" by billy joel the other day... i'm gonna go out on a limb here and say it was either at the mirkwood or at starbucks, since those are basically the only two places i go. anyway, it reminded me how when i was a kid, and other little girls my age were dreaming of growing up to be princesses and ballerinas or whatever the hell little girls dream of growing up to be, i wanted to grow up to be like the woman in that song; a fuckin badass. i don't know why it sounded appealing, it still does kind of. it's like shit, i can do whatever i want and you're gonna like it!

then, when i was a teenager, i wanted to be gwen stefani. make that - teenager through young adult. ok, i kind of still want to be gwen stefani. i mean, look at the woman for crying out loud!

she's like 40, has popped out a couple of kids, and she's still way hotter than i have ever been, or will ever be. of course i most prefer her look from the return of saturn era with the pink hair and bright colors and whatnot, but still. there were years there when i would go to the thrift store to get clothes and my basic fashion guideline was "would gwen wear this?". i ended up with a very eclectic wardrobe, as you might guess.

then in more recent years, i wanted to be like, a non-gothy version of neil gaiman's "death" from the sandman series. i definitely had her haircut for a while, and i wore an ankh necklace all the time to remind myself to not take things too seriously, to be of good cheer, see the goodness in people, and not to take things for granted. still good lessons.

well, clearly none of those things really ended up working out for me. i won't "promise you more than the garden of eden" then "carelessly cut you and laugh while you're bleeding", nor am i a multi-millionaire rock chick with my own clothing line, and i also am not the grim reaper, sadly. i may have bits and pieces of all of those things, but i'm not really sure yet who i am, or what i am, or even what i want to be now. i guess you really spend your whole life figuring that out though, and i'm about a quarter of the way there, i suppose.

the luxury of lonliness

"this bed gets so damn cold. i hate sleeping here alone, but it's all right..." - her space holiday. (recommended listening)

curse you, the notebook. curse you.

ugh why did i get talked into watching the notebook? i knew it was going to make me cry. i didn't care for the end, but i loved the beginning. by "i loved the beginning" i mean i hated it. it made me cry a lot... it made me feel sorry for myself. haha. because i was jealous because i want a ryan gosling or whatever his name is in the movie to be creepmantic towards me. womp womp. too bad i suck at life. woe is me and shit. :P

i was going to write about other stuff but i have had a headache for three or four days aaaand i don't know what to say. yesterday was really fun but i'm in a stupid emo mood right now so i'll save that to write about. hah.

rough draft i guess

i knew a boy once and we became friends
then one day he told me he really liked me
but he couldn't read me
and he wanted to know if i felt the same
i didn't.

so for a while we acted like nothing had happened
i guess he decided that he couldn't stand it
because he grew distant and he wouldn't see me
and eventually we just stopped talking
and that's how i lost a friend

i knew a boy once and we became friends
then one day he confessed that he was in love with me
that it was for real, and that he was sorry
because he knew that i wouldn't feel the same
and i didn't.

so for a long time we acted like nothing had happened
then he moved on and he got a girlfriend
then he grew distant and then he ignored me
and still to this day i think that it's crappy
that i had to lose a friend

i knew a boy once and we became friends
i thought he might like me because i liked him
but in the end i guess he didn't.

you see, i barely saw him but we kept in touch
but really that wasn't nearly enough
he was too sweet to me, he was a tease
and one time i gave him a letter and said
all of the things in my heart and the things in my head
and after that, i never heard from him again
and that's a really shitty way to lose a friend

i knew a boy once and we became friends
and he liked me, and i liked him
then before i knew it, i was his girlfriend

so for a long time we were together
and he kind of scared me with his talk of "forever"
we didn't really have too much in common
and i wasn't really too sure why i liked him
some years went by and i lost who i was
i changed so much and realized that i wasn't in love
and i hated myself, and who i'd become
so i broke his heart and was so naive to think we could stay friends

now i know a boy, he's one of my friends
i guess he likes me, and i really like him
but he doesn't want a girlfriend.

so we're acting right now like nothing has happened
and we still hang out and i still see him
i just hope that he doesn't grow distant
because i just at least don't want to lose a friend.

flawed and petty little dream

"deal with it", i tell myself.
how exactly, i wonder, do you deal with what you're dealt in life?
"just deal with it".
what is "dealing" with something, really? it means nothing more than to stop blubbering about it, ignore it, and do other things - things that make you not think about it. pretend it doesn't exist, it didn't happen, none of it ever happened, it is less than a dream. it is nothing. it is quite the opposite of a dream. it is the antithesis of a dream. whatever that is, is it.
but nothing is nothing. even in the in between spaces where there is nothingness, there is something. there is even antimatter, which is SOMETHING.
so there really is no way to make it go away. to make hurt go away. you just slap a fake plastic smile on your worthless face and find something to occupy your time. try. try to do things that make you happy, even for a short amount of time.
why do i need validation from outside sources? it's not just me, right? other people feel that way too. it's not good enough to just live inside yourself all the time, thinking and writing, and telling yourself that you are... i don't even know. i don't know what i AM. or even really what i want to be. i mean really. i have goals that i want to achieve, for sure, but most of them are career goals and material goals. those aren't REAL goals. i suppose they are as real as any other. but your career is not who you are. things you own are not who you are. but that is the way that we tend to define ourselves in the world.
so what do i want? what do i wish i was? what i am? it's really hard to answer. i suppose, i want to be kind, i want to be fun, i want to be funny, i want to be generous, i want to be caring, i want to be loving, i want to be loved, i want to be important, i want to be... a lot of things. the problem is, that you can't really be any of these things just within yourself. it's not enough to just be kind to yourself, to just have fun being by yourself, to be funny, but only to yourself, to love only yourself, etc. you need other people around to BE these things, or it isn't really real. ah, there's the rub. so you DO need outside sources to confirm what you are. you can't just tell yourself you're something, someone has to be there to witness it, to measure it, in order to make it so. kind of like shrodinger's cat. but i'll leave THAT for another blog.
so i can't just keep to myself all the time. don't get me wrong, i do enjoy my own company, and when i am in my own company is definitely when i feel my freest, when i feel the most like me. maybe the only time i really feel like me, whoever i am. but in order to really exist, you have to share your existence with other people. i feel like i'm going off an a tangent, as usual. that's why i can never really complete a thought.
i guess part of the point was, that is why you need outside validation. that is why you need people around you, to appreciate you, in order for you to fully appreciate yourself, to love you, in order to really love yourself. i've heard over and over that you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else, and that's only partially true. if you hate yourself, completely hate yourself, i guess you can't really love someone else, you will only project your hatred and misery onto other people. maybe that's what evil is. well, i know i'm not evil. i at least LIKE myself. no, i do love myself. a lot. maybe not completely, but it's impossible to COMPLETELY love yourself, or anyone else, i think. there are always going to be some things about yourself or anyone else that you don't love. if you disagree, you are in terrible denial. but maybe you have to love other people in order to love yourself more. other people are just reflections of yourself. you are drawn to people who reflect the things about yourself that you like the most. maybe they even exemplify it better than you do, but it's still something inside you that you like, and the people that you like the most are the ones who remind you of all of the things that you like about yourself. sometimes you learn to love people as you learn to love new things about yourself, and sometimes it comes on like fire. loving people is easy. i love a lot of people.
the other point, i guess, is if love is so easy, why is it also so easy to hurt? how is it that other people have the power to make you feel like you are not all of the things that you are. how can other people have the power to take that away from you? maybe when you love someone, and i'm talking on a broad level here, not even romantic love, or not just romantic love, but platonic, familial, etc. oh, now i've lost my train of thought. one of them anyway. what was i getting at? maybe it's feeling that people are denying you of the things that you like, i guess. that sounds stupid. if someone possesses the things that you like about yourself, then you like them. if they don't particularly like you, or make it feel like they don't particularly like you, then you are hurt because you feel that they are saying "you are not these things that you thought you were. i am these things, they are mine. not yours. you can't have them."
i guess it's a self-worth thing, really. you should have enough confidence in yourself to be able to say "no. i AM these things. i don't need anyone to tell me that i am, i just AM." but it's not true. it gets back to the thought that you need other people's validation to really be something. it's just funny that we give people that kind of power over our lives. other people shouldn't be able to hurt you. or maybe they're the only ones who can? it's not fair. i don't know who ever lead me to believe that anything in life is fair! it's not.
it's also the loss of control. if someone else is hurting you, you have no control over it. if you are hurting yourself, you are in complete control. it's a little satisfying to hurt yourself, because that is complete control. you are the only one who is in control of the decision to do whatever it happens to be. there are lots of ways to hurt yourself. i'm not sure if everyone hurts themselves, but i think so, in some fashion or another.
so. none of is has any point. you do the things you do, and it is what it is. and life there is no point in denying that life is a succession of giving and receiving, and love and loss, and happiness and hurt and cliches. i just hope that mine can start being more love and happiness and less pain sometime soon. i'm not sure there is anything to be done about it. i hate that about myself. that i don't have control over how i feel. i guess no one does.

no clever title

today was rather uneventful, i think. i know i'm supposed to be appreciating every little thing, but sometimes when i try to think back on the day, i have no idea what happened. i did some hair, that was cool. then i ate lunch, also kind of cool... i guess. looked at things on the internet, actually... pretty cool. i did come across (i.e. stalk out) jeffery self's blog, which is really smart and funny and cute and i already shared the link on facebook, but this entry in particular really made me smile :]

i'm not on tumblr or i would comment and tell him how his blog made me feel better about being lame.

in other news, this just happened between my break of typing that, and typing this...
creepy noises from the closet 10 feet away from us
alicia and kelsi look at the closet and look at eachother with wide eyes
alicia: what is that???
kelsi: ... stuff... falling in the closet, because i got something out of there earlier... i guess?
alicia: i hate you!
kelsi: well i mean, i guess that's what it is...
alicia: it was really scary! it was like Paranormal Activity shit
kelsi: so... not scary at all.
alicia: i thought our ceiling was going to start moving and our ouija board was going to light on fire.
fearful silence for a moment
ALICIA SCREAMS FUCKING BLOODY MURDER OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE!!!!!!!!!
kelsi stares at her
kelsi: ...what???
alicia: i heard something, i was really scared!
kelsi: heard what?
alicia: a noise
kelsi: there was no noise
alicia: i was really scared! did i look scared?
kelsi: *laughing* yes...
alicia: i thought you were going to scream too and we were both going to die but then i looked at you and you were just staring at me...
both laughing
alicia: i think you really scared me with that split pea soup thing. at least we know i can scream really loud
kelsi: yeah, but it's 11 'o clock at night, and no one is helping us

the point of that was... there was no point. really... other than, i guess, if there is a murderer in our closet, he could easily kill us, and no one would save us because you can scream fucking loud enough to wake all of seattle and no one will care. so, if i don't show up to work tomorrow, that's why. also, i am still high on adrenaline and doubt that i will be able to sleep for a while now.

in OTHER other news, i'm fucking excited because my "flesh is for zombies" shirt - birthday present 2 of 4 to and from myself - arrived in the mail today and i'm totally going to wear it tomorrrowwwww, yeeeah boi!!! she shipped it out hella fast. the rest of the stuff i ordered won't arrive until after my birthday probably. tomorrow will be the first day in a week that i haven't worn my elliott smith hoodie (present 1 of 4) or my acrylicana jewelry since i got them last week. or maybe i will wear my hoodie, cuz it's awesome. :] also picked up Preacher #3 with my 40% off coupon. if you shop at Borders, i highly recommend getting a rewards card. it costs nada, and you get coupons like every friggin day.

that's... really all i've got. like i said, the rest of the day is kind of a blur. oh, other than i watched the movie Hostel for the first time. they puke a lot in it, which is pretty disgusting.

when i go back and read this post later, i will have no idea what i am referring to.

8 hours. 8 minutes. what's the fuckin' difference?

same thing we do every night, pinky.

washing dishes for an hour or so straight ain't so bad when you are wearing an awesome billy joel shirt, listening to elliott smith quite loudly, and have a big ol' bottle of bleach to pour into the sink to cover up the smell of week-old-rotting-whatever-the-cuss-that-used-to-be, so as not to vomit up cheesecake and coffee. cheesecake and coffee are not to be wasted.

aside from that, today consisted of:

1. sleeping in way too late, as blogged earlier
2. drinking 48 oz of coffee within about a 20 minute time span
3. watching mama mia, and getting really pissed off at pierce brosnan for existing
4. watching fido. awesomeee.
5. eating cheesecake, as one does.
6. watching tons and tons and tons of jeffery and cole casserole. heart heart heart.
6. realizing... hey, all i have consumed today was coffee and cheesecake and it's now past 10pm.
6. being bored enough to write about any of this.

tomorrow, it is back to work, but only for 3 days this week. i decided to take of saturday and sunday, as well as monday and tuesday, in order to celebrate my birthday. i plan on celebrating my birthday by... um... uhh..... uuhhhmmmm..... well i guess i could always... hmm............... shit.

no coffees makes for kelsi bad writingness

it is almost 12:30pm and i just woke up. i'm not sure how that happened, because i normally wake up before 9:00 when i don't have an alarm set. i should have had coffee in my system about two and a half hours ago, so i'm not in a really clear headspace. i've been having a lot of bad dreams lately. prettymuch only bad dreams - or at least that's all that i can remember. it makes me not want to go to sleep, but then real life makes me not want to get out of bed, haha. i guess it's a catch 22. the dreams are starting to fade now, but the one that kept me in bed, i still remember a little bit. i think i was in school or something, like a college maybe. i met a boy and he spoke sweetly to me and made me feel good about myself. i just met him but i felt like i had known him before. time went on, i guess we dated or something. then we were supposed to meet for a movie. he didn't show up. i was worried about him. i went looking for him. i saw him in a cafe at a table with two girls that i didn't know. i talked to the waitress. "oh, HIM." she said. she told me he was scum. he used girls. she knew. she knew. i went over to the table and confronted him. he looked smug and made no apologies. his silence infurated me. i started crying and screaming at the bastard and "you lied to me! you lied to me!" and hurling everything at him that i could reach. and still he said nothing.
so i woke up with a heart that was too heavy to lift out of bed. i continued to lay there, trying to remember what he looked like, but i couldn't. i fell back to sleep.
then i had another dream where i had teeth falling out. why do i always have those dreams? as far back as i can remember i have had dreams where my teeth start falling out and they are always different, but always really traumatizing. this time, i was pushing my tongue against one of my bottom teeth and it suddenly came loose and started bleeding a lot. it was really painful. i was at home... home being the house i grew up in, in california, i guess. it's really the only place i dream of when i dream of being at home. anyway, i was at home with my sister, my mom had gone somewhere. it was night time and i was crying and i didn't know what to do. then a tooth on top came loose.
this is the last thing i remember before waking up with a raging headache. i went to the bathroom and immediately brushed my teeth, and just then, alicia came home from school, which meant it was 12:30. fuck. there goes half my day. getting my heart and teeth broken. i could really use some coffee, right. fucking. now.

it's like the sound of a tree falling in the woods with one hand clapping against it

things to remember, while i am thinking of them, but almost too tired to write about them. i hope at least some of this makes sense.

firstly, no packages today :( i got my acrylicana jewelry from my sister and my elliott smith hoodie from myself on friday. i'm expecting to get something in the mail from ishmael very soon. birthdays presents are nice, not because i need material things -usually if there is something i want, i will just buy it for myself - but because it shows that someone was thinking of you at a time when you weren't in the same room together and weren't actively speaking with eachother. that makes me feel good. lately, especially, in the midst of falling back into depression, it is nice to know that i am thought of occasionally, by a few people at least, whether it's my birthday or not. receiving mail must be one of my favorite things in the world. if anyone really wants to make my day, either send me mail or make me some sort of art, i live for those things. i was thinking about getting back in to doing mail swaps again. it was always fun to work on some silly holiday card or collage or themed art for someone and to get one or more of the same in return. it's an extremely pleasurable way to kill time. unfortunately, i'm not good with deadlines. and it's not quite the same as receiving personal mail from someone, or art from someone that you personally know. i treasure all of the little scraps that people have made for me. i rarely give anyone else anything i have made though, other than swaps, because... well... usually because it's not good enough. that, and i have trouble letting things go.

secondly, i had living on a prayer stuck in my head the entirety of the day, from this morning, watching a video of amanda palmer and jason webley covering it. doing laundry, going to starbucks, sitting on the bus, walking around the streets of seattle, i had playing in my head over and over "TAKE MY HAND, WE'LL MAKE IT, I SWEAR! WHOOOOA LIVING ON A PRAYER!" i just wanted to bust out all over the place.

thirdly, other than that, today was really lovely. there wasn't a bit of it that wasn't lovely. even doing laundry was lovely, other than i think i gave everyone a bit of a free show by accidentally scooping up the front of the skirt that i was wearing into my armful of laundry. it's amusing though, so, i suppose it's lovely too. i keep reminding myself of a Sylvia Plath quote, "Remember, remember, this is now, and now, and now. Live it, feel it, cling to it. I want to become acutely aware of all I've taken for granted". i have to remind myself of it almost constantly. i guess, in a sort of stupid way, i am thinking "whatever is happening right this very moment, it may not be the best thing that has ever happened to you, but it may be the best thing that ever happens from here on out. it is entirely possible that nothing this good will ever happen again, so pay attention." but not only that. i am trying to just enjoy things. everything, in fact. i'm trying not to take things so seriously, i'm trying to live in the moment and not worry so much. it seems counter-intuitive to have to force yourself to go with the flow, but when you have spent the better part of your life fighting against the flow, it can be really difficult to just let go and live. that doesn't mean not to TRY. there is a difference. you still have to try for things, otherwise there is no point to life, and you probably won't get anything that you want. i just can't get caught up so much in things that feel like failures.

fourth...ly, the bus. the bus. the bus. i don't know if i have been on a bus that crowded before. i'm sure i have, but i wasn't so aware of it. i was proud of myself for not having my head reeling in an agoraphobic fit. i thought of easter and whole foods and very nearly having a full fledged panic attack because there were so many people, and i couldn't get away. that was probably one of my worst moments. but, it was not so bad today. the worst of it was that i had some random persons ass in my face for half the ride. that might have been be best of it, had the ass not belonged to a middle-aged woman. but no, the worst of it was the lady that went by, rolling her suitcase along behind her, and i tried to move my legs out of her way, and my hip went out, and i spent the next two minutes silently and i suppose, inconspicuously clutching my hip and the muscles that were cramping around it, in such intense pain that i really thought i was going to vomit. that was the worst of it. but it went away after a bit and the rest of the ride was nice. it was quiet. with music in my left ear, and no inane yip-yap from random bus-goers in the right. sitting across from people you don't know is always somewhat awkward. there is nowhere to look really. i look at their shoes. there was a girl across from me with cute, brown flats on. i stared at that girls shoes so hard she might have felt me burning through them. before she got off the bus, i had a connection to those shoes. i knew those shoes like i know these woods like i know the back of my hand. but the shoes left, like everything does, taking the girl, tripping along with them. then another pair of shoes came along. they were on the feet of a man with a face like the protagonist from delicatessen... and who was also in amelie. not quite so strange looking as him though. those shoes made me depressed. they were hiking shoes. they were well-worn from being out, fulfilling their purpose, doing what they loved. they didn't want to be there on that bus in the city. i felt sorry for them. after a bit, the man moved seats. maybe he didn't like the way that i was looking at his shoes.

last but not least, cheesecake is good. i still have more than half of it left though. what ever shall i do with it?

i will sing your fears if you sing my neurosis

i'm not entirely sure if this is the first time i have thought of this or not, but whilst being neurotic today, i came to the not-so-shocking realization that i am a lot more neurotic when i am by myself than i am when i am with other people. sure, everyone is, but i mean, i am really a lot more neurotic. it's not necessarily a bad thing. i LIKE being alone. i enjoy my own company. i kidn of enjoy my neurosis. but i am pretty fuckin weird in a lot of little ways.
example #1: i prefer my stereo to be on multiples of 5... usually 10, 15, or 20. if i am feeling extra screamy-loudy, then 25. none of those inbetween numbers are fit. it just FEELS better to turn it to a multiple of 5. it's not a big deal if it's not on a multiple of 5, i won't freak out or anything, but it's how i prefer it. if someone else puts it on a different number though, that doesn't bother me, it's only if i do it.
example #2: at starbucks was actually when i noticed it today; i had to get 3 napkins, they all needed to be re-folded properly and stacked exactly evenly upon each other before i could use them to hold my drink with.
example #3: without fail, i have to check the lock on a public bathroom 3 times before i can use the toilet. i always feel like if i don't, i will get walked in on. this fear was compounded a few weeks ago at work. i failed to check the lock... i think i had to pee really bad or something. i THOUGHT it was locked but someone opened the door anyway. luckily i was pulling my pants on at this point so no one saw anything haha. public bathrooms. christ. i have a lot of qualms with public bathrooms, but i think that things like not touching door handles and whatnot is more of a sanitation issue than being neurotic.
there are a lot of other silly little examples that i could give, but that gives you the idea. i think that i do a lot more of these kinds of things when i am by myself. it's either that i do it less around other people because other people are a distraction, or i do it the same amount but i don't notice that i do because people are a distraction.
i have gotten a lot better over the years. when i was little i was a LOT worse with the (self-diagnosed) ODC tendencies. i had to touch the wall a certain amount of times every time i left my bedroom, i had to recite a certain thing sort of like a prayer every night before bed, i couldn't be uncovered in bed, ever, especially my feet, i always had to have my back up against something, i had to cross my fingers and hold my breath as we drove past a graveyard, if a pet had died in a room of my house, i had to hold my breath while in that room, at least until i could open a window, i had things in my room arranged just so and i would get really into a panic if anyone would touch them or move them, etc. etc. etc. the list goes on and on and on.
i never really told anyone about most of these things. my mom knew a few of them, but definitely not the whole of it. i guess because i was embarrassed, but it doesn't bother me now. so. yes. neurotic. but less than i used to be, and happily so. the end?

beginning with an end. -or- some things never change.

i guess i'll begin this blog with the end of my last blog, because... nothing ever changes. i can look at a post from years back and relate. just the names and places change. so, with that... journal entry from august 27th, 2008.

i feel slightly depressed today
it is probably the weather
not that i like the sun or anything
but the clouds CAN be depressing and lonely
in a beautiful way
do you ever feel like you aren't SUPPOSED to be happy?
or that that pain is prettier?
at least it feels like something
the past week has been a whirlwind and the only conclusion that i have come to is that i am so incredibly selfish
and i don't think that there is any solution
even when i am happy, i'm sad
even when i'm in love, i'm lonely
today it feels like there is a huge void inside of me, and no amount of music or food or love or accolades or money or anything else can quite fill it
even when i am full, i'm empty
i guess that is the source of my selfishness
it's infuriating to always grasp at what is out of your reach
to be helpless in any given situation
this must be what babies feel like
at least i don't shit myself
but babies grow up and grow out of that
or maybe they don't
maybe this is just what HUMANS feel like
are other animals content? other things?
are starfish content?
are flowers content?
is a table content?
i think that i deserve more than i get, and it's frustrating
but i suppose i don't deserve it after all, or i would get it, have it, keep it
then the sense of inadequacy seeps in
a longing to just curl up in a dimly lit corner with a sylvia plath novel and commisserate with the words
maybe if i could figure out what i wanted, i could have it
until then it's just a vague longing for something that isn't there
a sense of something missing
something doesn't quite fit
something is amiss in the world
something is not right in the universe
something strange is afoot at the circle K