one time, maybe 5 years ago or so, gerard was on AIM and he had an away message up, and the away message said "broken heart by spiritualized on repeat". i looked it up and listened to it and holy crap have i loved spiritualized ever since - especially the album with that song, ladies and gentlemen we are floating in space. that song definitely applied to his life at the time, but it in no way applied to mine. still a really excellent song. and this doesn't have anything to do with gerard, other than that is the background behind me ever hearing spiritualized.
today though, i have had broken heart by spiritualized on repeat.
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
i always try to look for the lesson in everything that happens, but i don't know. i guess so far this whole year has been about making hard decisions, and growing some balls to have really awkward but necessary conversations with people, which never would have happened in the past. i am also kind of over being nice. everyone has always said that i am too nice, and i guess they were right. not that i want to be mean, but i am over being fake nice to people who don't deserve my genuine niceness- it kind of has to be earned. i would rather just not interact at all than be fake nice, it just invites unwanted situations and people. there are not that many people that i genuinely care too much about. i know that sounds awful and i guess on a human level i care about everyone to some extent... i don't wish ill on anyone and i don't hate anyone, and i wish everyone good luck, but i don't LIKE them, or care about their life or what happens in it at all. there are a small handful of people that i do care about, and that i would want to help if they needed it, but they are pretty few and far between. some of them are in different states, but most of them are nearby and i hope to keep them all as close as possible. the rest i hope to someday import...
kind of unrelated but i had a nice dream again last night. like, too nice. the kind that i wake up from sad because it wasn't true. i don't know.
kind of unrelated but i had a nice dream again last night. like, too nice. the kind that i wake up from sad because it wasn't true. i don't know.
the mirkwood brings out all the weirdos.
tonight was a lot of fun despite the plethora of weirdos to navigate around. at least some of them are good for a laugh.
erin and i determined that it's a really good thing that we don't act on our first impulses because everyone would think we were total bitches if we did. if we had no conscience or self-control and did act on our first impulses, it would make for a very interesting night though. i would have kissed one guy, barfed on a different guy's head, told off an old man, danced to some good music, and possibly physically assaulted at least one person haha. all of those things, save for the dancing, would have probably gotten me in a whole mess of trouble. oh, and erin DEFINITELY would have punched at least a couple of people in the head.
i am not a bad person because my first impulse is to do any of those things, i am a good person because i never actually DO do those things.
so suffice to say, i did none of those things, and just remained in my quiet little box of trying to only talk to my friends but if forced to talk to other people, be somewhat polite even if i don't like them. in the long run it gets me nowhere, but i guess nowhere is where i want to be right now.
maybe i will tell off that old man one of these days though. he is seriously starting to grind my gears. he needs to butt the fuck out of other people's business. if you think this dude-bro is so handsome, then quit trying to convince ME of it and YOU fuckin give him YOUR number instead of telling me to give him my number, right in front of him, and YOU go fuckin marry him and move to georgia and have four kids because the thought of that makes me want to off myself. you're not fuckin cupid, dude. quit being all creepy and trying to hook everyone up with everyone else. let people live their own lives. and YES i do mind that you think i'm "so darn gorgeous" and that you "wish you were 25..." becuase it's fucking creepy borderline sexual harassment, and NO i will not go dance, not all girls dance. fuck! OH, AND NO, I'M NOT SCARED OF YOU. don't give yourself that much credit, you don't have THAT kind of power over me. i just think you're an old creepy creeperson who needs to butt out of everyone's lives.
on a lighter note, i think i'm gonna get to go see jason webley tomorrow night if alicia still wants to go. if not, i'll probably go to the same show i went to tonight and see the same people that i do and don't want to see and have some fun and get harrassed some. i guess it all evens out. it would be so nice if i could just talk to the people i want to talk to the whole time and not have to talk to the weirdies, without being a total bitch about it. but i wanna see jason webley anyway! and then camp tomato on sundayyyyyy yeah!
erin and i determined that it's a really good thing that we don't act on our first impulses because everyone would think we were total bitches if we did. if we had no conscience or self-control and did act on our first impulses, it would make for a very interesting night though. i would have kissed one guy, barfed on a different guy's head, told off an old man, danced to some good music, and possibly physically assaulted at least one person haha. all of those things, save for the dancing, would have probably gotten me in a whole mess of trouble. oh, and erin DEFINITELY would have punched at least a couple of people in the head.
i am not a bad person because my first impulse is to do any of those things, i am a good person because i never actually DO do those things.
so suffice to say, i did none of those things, and just remained in my quiet little box of trying to only talk to my friends but if forced to talk to other people, be somewhat polite even if i don't like them. in the long run it gets me nowhere, but i guess nowhere is where i want to be right now.
maybe i will tell off that old man one of these days though. he is seriously starting to grind my gears. he needs to butt the fuck out of other people's business. if you think this dude-bro is so handsome, then quit trying to convince ME of it and YOU fuckin give him YOUR number instead of telling me to give him my number, right in front of him, and YOU go fuckin marry him and move to georgia and have four kids because the thought of that makes me want to off myself. you're not fuckin cupid, dude. quit being all creepy and trying to hook everyone up with everyone else. let people live their own lives. and YES i do mind that you think i'm "so darn gorgeous" and that you "wish you were 25..." becuase it's fucking creepy borderline sexual harassment, and NO i will not go dance, not all girls dance. fuck! OH, AND NO, I'M NOT SCARED OF YOU. don't give yourself that much credit, you don't have THAT kind of power over me. i just think you're an old creepy creeperson who needs to butt out of everyone's lives.
on a lighter note, i think i'm gonna get to go see jason webley tomorrow night if alicia still wants to go. if not, i'll probably go to the same show i went to tonight and see the same people that i do and don't want to see and have some fun and get harrassed some. i guess it all evens out. it would be so nice if i could just talk to the people i want to talk to the whole time and not have to talk to the weirdies, without being a total bitch about it. but i wanna see jason webley anyway! and then camp tomato on sundayyyyyy yeah!
i can never think up names for my poems and shite..
and then i freeze to death when i'm ready to sleep
because there's too much room with nothing and no one beside me
this sickness is the only company i keep
and dead silence where there used to be a heart beat
fml.
you gave more than i would have asked for
i can't carve it out, though i've tried it before
and it kills me to know that it's dying in there
what once pinched with a thrill now just seems like a bore
i hate that i can't do with purpose
all the things that are done to me
its gone, too far below the surface
and it feeds on selected memories
you are the worst diet i could have asked for
i'm choking on the words i tried saying before
everything i eat makes me want to throw up
and everything i learn makes me hungry for more
i can't carve it out, though i've tried it before
and it kills me to know that it's dying in there
what once pinched with a thrill now just seems like a bore
i hate that i can't do with purpose
all the things that are done to me
its gone, too far below the surface
and it feeds on selected memories
you are the worst diet i could have asked for
i'm choking on the words i tried saying before
everything i eat makes me want to throw up
and everything i learn makes me hungry for more
through the gates of horn and ivory
last night, for the first time in a few months, i didn't have nightmares all night and wake up nauseous. i don't know why. i actually had a GOOD dream. it was fucking lovely, which makes it almost worse than having a nightmare, because i woke up to realize that it was just a stupid dream and clearly i was still alone. and it was one of those really vivid, lucid dreams that i so rarely get, though now i am forgetting the details, it's more just a feeling, a yummy fuzzy warm feeling that i missed having, and it's painful to have because i don't think it will be coming back any time soon since i haven't got any say in anything. so now it's just a really nice memory of a resolution that i only wish had happened. sad, silly girl.
the only thing that i did differently last night from most nights was that i forgot to bring home my computer so i was forced to read BOOKS instead of go online, which was actually really nice. i read the first part of "the sandman companion" which talks about hidden layers in the sandman graphic novel series. then i started reading "a bridge across forever" which is a book by richard bach, the author of the book "illusions" which is by far one of my favorite novels ever. it's a close tie with "the bell jar" for being my favorite actually. anyway, i have had this book on my shelf forever but been reluctant to read it, probably because the subtitle is "a love story" but fuck, that's the subtitle for wristcutters too and that is an amazing movie. and it's richard bach is amazing, so i convinced myself to start reading it. being that it is a love story, evidently, it's probably going to end up making me sad later on, but right now it's nice, and reminiscent of illusions. side note - i happen to have TWO copies of a bridge across forever, hardback and paperback, which i discovered last night. why do i have two copies of everything? i don't know anyone who reads books.... so i have no idea who to give it to. anyway, i fell asleep after reading the first chapter of a bridge across forever, in which he debates whether or not there is such a thing as a soulmate, and why most of the really spiritually advanced people in history never seem to have a partner.
i personally think it's very unlikely that everyone has one soulmate. at least today that's what i think. tomorrow i might change my mind. free will, you know. i think it's far more likely that there are soulmates or soul groups, which can include friends and family or anyone that you are supposed to, or are more inclined to spend portions of your life with for whatever reason. for example, if there are soulmates, i am 100% sure that aurora is one of mine. she is just one of those rare people where i am like "she GETS it", not many people REALLY do. and on the romantic aspect,if we are going with this soulmate theory, then obviously a lot of people get with people that aren't one of their potential soulmates and have horrid relationships, and other people probably do get with others who are one of their soulmates but muck it up before for one reason or another. anyway, not to sound unromantic, but i doubt there is any ONE person for another. there are maybe a handful at least that you can have an almost perfect relationship with, it's just a matter of finding them. but i'm not even going to bother looking. all of mine are probably in siberia or something and i'll never find them if i look anyway. or i was already with all of them at some point and was too timid or too impatient and fucked it ten ways from sunday. i guess i will just wait for one to come to me or be alone. some days i like being alone, but most of the time i fucking despise it. oh well, goodnight. hopefully the sandman will be kind to me and bring me more nice dreams tonight, and if it continues, i will just attempt to sleep as much as possible from now on.
the only thing that i did differently last night from most nights was that i forgot to bring home my computer so i was forced to read BOOKS instead of go online, which was actually really nice. i read the first part of "the sandman companion" which talks about hidden layers in the sandman graphic novel series. then i started reading "a bridge across forever" which is a book by richard bach, the author of the book "illusions" which is by far one of my favorite novels ever. it's a close tie with "the bell jar" for being my favorite actually. anyway, i have had this book on my shelf forever but been reluctant to read it, probably because the subtitle is "a love story" but fuck, that's the subtitle for wristcutters too and that is an amazing movie. and it's richard bach is amazing, so i convinced myself to start reading it. being that it is a love story, evidently, it's probably going to end up making me sad later on, but right now it's nice, and reminiscent of illusions. side note - i happen to have TWO copies of a bridge across forever, hardback and paperback, which i discovered last night. why do i have two copies of everything? i don't know anyone who reads books.... so i have no idea who to give it to. anyway, i fell asleep after reading the first chapter of a bridge across forever, in which he debates whether or not there is such a thing as a soulmate, and why most of the really spiritually advanced people in history never seem to have a partner.
i personally think it's very unlikely that everyone has one soulmate. at least today that's what i think. tomorrow i might change my mind. free will, you know. i think it's far more likely that there are soulmates or soul groups, which can include friends and family or anyone that you are supposed to, or are more inclined to spend portions of your life with for whatever reason. for example, if there are soulmates, i am 100% sure that aurora is one of mine. she is just one of those rare people where i am like "she GETS it", not many people REALLY do. and on the romantic aspect,if we are going with this soulmate theory, then obviously a lot of people get with people that aren't one of their potential soulmates and have horrid relationships, and other people probably do get with others who are one of their soulmates but muck it up before for one reason or another. anyway, not to sound unromantic, but i doubt there is any ONE person for another. there are maybe a handful at least that you can have an almost perfect relationship with, it's just a matter of finding them. but i'm not even going to bother looking. all of mine are probably in siberia or something and i'll never find them if i look anyway. or i was already with all of them at some point and was too timid or too impatient and fucked it ten ways from sunday. i guess i will just wait for one to come to me or be alone. some days i like being alone, but most of the time i fucking despise it. oh well, goodnight. hopefully the sandman will be kind to me and bring me more nice dreams tonight, and if it continues, i will just attempt to sleep as much as possible from now on.
she just changes her mind
i heard the song "she's always a woman" by billy joel the other day... i'm gonna go out on a limb here and say it was either at the mirkwood or at starbucks, since those are basically the only two places i go. anyway, it reminded me how when i was a kid, and other little girls my age were dreaming of growing up to be princesses and ballerinas or whatever the hell little girls dream of growing up to be, i wanted to grow up to be like the woman in that song; a fuckin badass. i don't know why it sounded appealing, it still does kind of. it's like shit, i can do whatever i want and you're gonna like it!
then, when i was a teenager, i wanted to be gwen stefani. make that - teenager through young adult. ok, i kind of still want to be gwen stefani. i mean, look at the woman for crying out loud!
then, when i was a teenager, i wanted to be gwen stefani. make that - teenager through young adult. ok, i kind of still want to be gwen stefani. i mean, look at the woman for crying out loud!
she's like 40, has popped out a couple of kids, and she's still way hotter than i have ever been, or will ever be. of course i most prefer her look from the return of saturn era with the pink hair and bright colors and whatnot, but still. there were years there when i would go to the thrift store to get clothes and my basic fashion guideline was "would gwen wear this?". i ended up with a very eclectic wardrobe, as you might guess.
then in more recent years, i wanted to be like, a non-gothy version of neil gaiman's "death" from the sandman series. i definitely had her haircut for a while, and i wore an ankh necklace all the time to remind myself to not take things too seriously, to be of good cheer, see the goodness in people, and not to take things for granted. still good lessons.
well, clearly none of those things really ended up working out for me. i won't "promise you more than the garden of eden" then "carelessly cut you and laugh while you're bleeding", nor am i a multi-millionaire rock chick with my own clothing line, and i also am not the grim reaper, sadly. i may have bits and pieces of all of those things, but i'm not really sure yet who i am, or what i am, or even what i want to be now. i guess you really spend your whole life figuring that out though, and i'm about a quarter of the way there, i suppose.
then in more recent years, i wanted to be like, a non-gothy version of neil gaiman's "death" from the sandman series. i definitely had her haircut for a while, and i wore an ankh necklace all the time to remind myself to not take things too seriously, to be of good cheer, see the goodness in people, and not to take things for granted. still good lessons.
well, clearly none of those things really ended up working out for me. i won't "promise you more than the garden of eden" then "carelessly cut you and laugh while you're bleeding", nor am i a multi-millionaire rock chick with my own clothing line, and i also am not the grim reaper, sadly. i may have bits and pieces of all of those things, but i'm not really sure yet who i am, or what i am, or even what i want to be now. i guess you really spend your whole life figuring that out though, and i'm about a quarter of the way there, i suppose.
the luxury of lonliness
"this bed gets so damn cold. i hate sleeping here alone, but it's all right..." - her space holiday. (recommended listening)
curse you, the notebook. curse you.
ugh why did i get talked into watching the notebook? i knew it was going to make me cry. i didn't care for the end, but i loved the beginning. by "i loved the beginning" i mean i hated it. it made me cry a lot... it made me feel sorry for myself. haha. because i was jealous because i want a ryan gosling or whatever his name is in the movie to be creepmantic towards me. womp womp. too bad i suck at life. woe is me and shit. :P
i was going to write about other stuff but i have had a headache for three or four days aaaand i don't know what to say. yesterday was really fun but i'm in a stupid emo mood right now so i'll save that to write about. hah.
i was going to write about other stuff but i have had a headache for three or four days aaaand i don't know what to say. yesterday was really fun but i'm in a stupid emo mood right now so i'll save that to write about. hah.
rough draft i guess
i knew a boy once and we became friends
then one day he told me he really liked me
but he couldn't read me
and he wanted to know if i felt the same
i didn't.
so for a while we acted like nothing had happened
i guess he decided that he couldn't stand it
because he grew distant and he wouldn't see me
and eventually we just stopped talking
and that's how i lost a friend
i knew a boy once and we became friends
then one day he confessed that he was in love with me
that it was for real, and that he was sorry
because he knew that i wouldn't feel the same
and i didn't.
so for a long time we acted like nothing had happened
then he moved on and he got a girlfriend
then he grew distant and then he ignored me
and still to this day i think that it's crappy
that i had to lose a friend
i knew a boy once and we became friends
i thought he might like me because i liked him
but in the end i guess he didn't.
you see, i barely saw him but we kept in touch
but really that wasn't nearly enough
he was too sweet to me, he was a tease
and one time i gave him a letter and said
all of the things in my heart and the things in my head
and after that, i never heard from him again
and that's a really shitty way to lose a friend
i knew a boy once and we became friends
and he liked me, and i liked him
then before i knew it, i was his girlfriend
so for a long time we were together
and he kind of scared me with his talk of "forever"
we didn't really have too much in common
and i wasn't really too sure why i liked him
some years went by and i lost who i was
i changed so much and realized that i wasn't in love
and i hated myself, and who i'd become
so i broke his heart and was so naive to think we could stay friends
now i know a boy, he's one of my friends
i guess he likes me, and i really like him
but he doesn't want a girlfriend.
so we're acting right now like nothing has happened
and we still hang out and i still see him
i just hope that he doesn't grow distant
because i just at least don't want to lose a friend.
then one day he told me he really liked me
but he couldn't read me
and he wanted to know if i felt the same
i didn't.
so for a while we acted like nothing had happened
i guess he decided that he couldn't stand it
because he grew distant and he wouldn't see me
and eventually we just stopped talking
and that's how i lost a friend
i knew a boy once and we became friends
then one day he confessed that he was in love with me
that it was for real, and that he was sorry
because he knew that i wouldn't feel the same
and i didn't.
so for a long time we acted like nothing had happened
then he moved on and he got a girlfriend
then he grew distant and then he ignored me
and still to this day i think that it's crappy
that i had to lose a friend
i knew a boy once and we became friends
i thought he might like me because i liked him
but in the end i guess he didn't.
you see, i barely saw him but we kept in touch
but really that wasn't nearly enough
he was too sweet to me, he was a tease
and one time i gave him a letter and said
all of the things in my heart and the things in my head
and after that, i never heard from him again
and that's a really shitty way to lose a friend
i knew a boy once and we became friends
and he liked me, and i liked him
then before i knew it, i was his girlfriend
so for a long time we were together
and he kind of scared me with his talk of "forever"
we didn't really have too much in common
and i wasn't really too sure why i liked him
some years went by and i lost who i was
i changed so much and realized that i wasn't in love
and i hated myself, and who i'd become
so i broke his heart and was so naive to think we could stay friends
now i know a boy, he's one of my friends
i guess he likes me, and i really like him
but he doesn't want a girlfriend.
so we're acting right now like nothing has happened
and we still hang out and i still see him
i just hope that he doesn't grow distant
because i just at least don't want to lose a friend.
flawed and petty little dream
"deal with it", i tell myself.
how exactly, i wonder, do you deal with what you're dealt in life?
"just deal with it".
what is "dealing" with something, really? it means nothing more than to stop blubbering about it, ignore it, and do other things - things that make you not think about it. pretend it doesn't exist, it didn't happen, none of it ever happened, it is less than a dream. it is nothing. it is quite the opposite of a dream. it is the antithesis of a dream. whatever that is, is it.
but nothing is nothing. even in the in between spaces where there is nothingness, there is something. there is even antimatter, which is SOMETHING.
so there really is no way to make it go away. to make hurt go away. you just slap a fake plastic smile on your worthless face and find something to occupy your time. try. try to do things that make you happy, even for a short amount of time.
why do i need validation from outside sources? it's not just me, right? other people feel that way too. it's not good enough to just live inside yourself all the time, thinking and writing, and telling yourself that you are... i don't even know. i don't know what i AM. or even really what i want to be. i mean really. i have goals that i want to achieve, for sure, but most of them are career goals and material goals. those aren't REAL goals. i suppose they are as real as any other. but your career is not who you are. things you own are not who you are. but that is the way that we tend to define ourselves in the world.
so what do i want? what do i wish i was? what i am? it's really hard to answer. i suppose, i want to be kind, i want to be fun, i want to be funny, i want to be generous, i want to be caring, i want to be loving, i want to be loved, i want to be important, i want to be... a lot of things. the problem is, that you can't really be any of these things just within yourself. it's not enough to just be kind to yourself, to just have fun being by yourself, to be funny, but only to yourself, to love only yourself, etc. you need other people around to BE these things, or it isn't really real. ah, there's the rub. so you DO need outside sources to confirm what you are. you can't just tell yourself you're something, someone has to be there to witness it, to measure it, in order to make it so. kind of like shrodinger's cat. but i'll leave THAT for another blog.
so i can't just keep to myself all the time. don't get me wrong, i do enjoy my own company, and when i am in my own company is definitely when i feel my freest, when i feel the most like me. maybe the only time i really feel like me, whoever i am. but in order to really exist, you have to share your existence with other people. i feel like i'm going off an a tangent, as usual. that's why i can never really complete a thought.
i guess part of the point was, that is why you need outside validation. that is why you need people around you, to appreciate you, in order for you to fully appreciate yourself, to love you, in order to really love yourself. i've heard over and over that you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else, and that's only partially true. if you hate yourself, completely hate yourself, i guess you can't really love someone else, you will only project your hatred and misery onto other people. maybe that's what evil is. well, i know i'm not evil. i at least LIKE myself. no, i do love myself. a lot. maybe not completely, but it's impossible to COMPLETELY love yourself, or anyone else, i think. there are always going to be some things about yourself or anyone else that you don't love. if you disagree, you are in terrible denial. but maybe you have to love other people in order to love yourself more. other people are just reflections of yourself. you are drawn to people who reflect the things about yourself that you like the most. maybe they even exemplify it better than you do, but it's still something inside you that you like, and the people that you like the most are the ones who remind you of all of the things that you like about yourself. sometimes you learn to love people as you learn to love new things about yourself, and sometimes it comes on like fire. loving people is easy. i love a lot of people.
the other point, i guess, is if love is so easy, why is it also so easy to hurt? how is it that other people have the power to make you feel like you are not all of the things that you are. how can other people have the power to take that away from you? maybe when you love someone, and i'm talking on a broad level here, not even romantic love, or not just romantic love, but platonic, familial, etc. oh, now i've lost my train of thought. one of them anyway. what was i getting at? maybe it's feeling that people are denying you of the things that you like, i guess. that sounds stupid. if someone possesses the things that you like about yourself, then you like them. if they don't particularly like you, or make it feel like they don't particularly like you, then you are hurt because you feel that they are saying "you are not these things that you thought you were. i am these things, they are mine. not yours. you can't have them."
i guess it's a self-worth thing, really. you should have enough confidence in yourself to be able to say "no. i AM these things. i don't need anyone to tell me that i am, i just AM." but it's not true. it gets back to the thought that you need other people's validation to really be something. it's just funny that we give people that kind of power over our lives. other people shouldn't be able to hurt you. or maybe they're the only ones who can? it's not fair. i don't know who ever lead me to believe that anything in life is fair! it's not.
it's also the loss of control. if someone else is hurting you, you have no control over it. if you are hurting yourself, you are in complete control. it's a little satisfying to hurt yourself, because that is complete control. you are the only one who is in control of the decision to do whatever it happens to be. there are lots of ways to hurt yourself. i'm not sure if everyone hurts themselves, but i think so, in some fashion or another.
so. none of is has any point. you do the things you do, and it is what it is. and life there is no point in denying that life is a succession of giving and receiving, and love and loss, and happiness and hurt and cliches. i just hope that mine can start being more love and happiness and less pain sometime soon. i'm not sure there is anything to be done about it. i hate that about myself. that i don't have control over how i feel. i guess no one does.
how exactly, i wonder, do you deal with what you're dealt in life?
"just deal with it".
what is "dealing" with something, really? it means nothing more than to stop blubbering about it, ignore it, and do other things - things that make you not think about it. pretend it doesn't exist, it didn't happen, none of it ever happened, it is less than a dream. it is nothing. it is quite the opposite of a dream. it is the antithesis of a dream. whatever that is, is it.
but nothing is nothing. even in the in between spaces where there is nothingness, there is something. there is even antimatter, which is SOMETHING.
so there really is no way to make it go away. to make hurt go away. you just slap a fake plastic smile on your worthless face and find something to occupy your time. try. try to do things that make you happy, even for a short amount of time.
why do i need validation from outside sources? it's not just me, right? other people feel that way too. it's not good enough to just live inside yourself all the time, thinking and writing, and telling yourself that you are... i don't even know. i don't know what i AM. or even really what i want to be. i mean really. i have goals that i want to achieve, for sure, but most of them are career goals and material goals. those aren't REAL goals. i suppose they are as real as any other. but your career is not who you are. things you own are not who you are. but that is the way that we tend to define ourselves in the world.
so what do i want? what do i wish i was? what i am? it's really hard to answer. i suppose, i want to be kind, i want to be fun, i want to be funny, i want to be generous, i want to be caring, i want to be loving, i want to be loved, i want to be important, i want to be... a lot of things. the problem is, that you can't really be any of these things just within yourself. it's not enough to just be kind to yourself, to just have fun being by yourself, to be funny, but only to yourself, to love only yourself, etc. you need other people around to BE these things, or it isn't really real. ah, there's the rub. so you DO need outside sources to confirm what you are. you can't just tell yourself you're something, someone has to be there to witness it, to measure it, in order to make it so. kind of like shrodinger's cat. but i'll leave THAT for another blog.
so i can't just keep to myself all the time. don't get me wrong, i do enjoy my own company, and when i am in my own company is definitely when i feel my freest, when i feel the most like me. maybe the only time i really feel like me, whoever i am. but in order to really exist, you have to share your existence with other people. i feel like i'm going off an a tangent, as usual. that's why i can never really complete a thought.
i guess part of the point was, that is why you need outside validation. that is why you need people around you, to appreciate you, in order for you to fully appreciate yourself, to love you, in order to really love yourself. i've heard over and over that you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else, and that's only partially true. if you hate yourself, completely hate yourself, i guess you can't really love someone else, you will only project your hatred and misery onto other people. maybe that's what evil is. well, i know i'm not evil. i at least LIKE myself. no, i do love myself. a lot. maybe not completely, but it's impossible to COMPLETELY love yourself, or anyone else, i think. there are always going to be some things about yourself or anyone else that you don't love. if you disagree, you are in terrible denial. but maybe you have to love other people in order to love yourself more. other people are just reflections of yourself. you are drawn to people who reflect the things about yourself that you like the most. maybe they even exemplify it better than you do, but it's still something inside you that you like, and the people that you like the most are the ones who remind you of all of the things that you like about yourself. sometimes you learn to love people as you learn to love new things about yourself, and sometimes it comes on like fire. loving people is easy. i love a lot of people.
the other point, i guess, is if love is so easy, why is it also so easy to hurt? how is it that other people have the power to make you feel like you are not all of the things that you are. how can other people have the power to take that away from you? maybe when you love someone, and i'm talking on a broad level here, not even romantic love, or not just romantic love, but platonic, familial, etc. oh, now i've lost my train of thought. one of them anyway. what was i getting at? maybe it's feeling that people are denying you of the things that you like, i guess. that sounds stupid. if someone possesses the things that you like about yourself, then you like them. if they don't particularly like you, or make it feel like they don't particularly like you, then you are hurt because you feel that they are saying "you are not these things that you thought you were. i am these things, they are mine. not yours. you can't have them."
i guess it's a self-worth thing, really. you should have enough confidence in yourself to be able to say "no. i AM these things. i don't need anyone to tell me that i am, i just AM." but it's not true. it gets back to the thought that you need other people's validation to really be something. it's just funny that we give people that kind of power over our lives. other people shouldn't be able to hurt you. or maybe they're the only ones who can? it's not fair. i don't know who ever lead me to believe that anything in life is fair! it's not.
it's also the loss of control. if someone else is hurting you, you have no control over it. if you are hurting yourself, you are in complete control. it's a little satisfying to hurt yourself, because that is complete control. you are the only one who is in control of the decision to do whatever it happens to be. there are lots of ways to hurt yourself. i'm not sure if everyone hurts themselves, but i think so, in some fashion or another.
so. none of is has any point. you do the things you do, and it is what it is. and life there is no point in denying that life is a succession of giving and receiving, and love and loss, and happiness and hurt and cliches. i just hope that mine can start being more love and happiness and less pain sometime soon. i'm not sure there is anything to be done about it. i hate that about myself. that i don't have control over how i feel. i guess no one does.
