one time, maybe 5 years ago or so, gerard was on AIM and he had an away message up, and the away message said "broken heart by spiritualized on repeat". i looked it up and listened to it and holy crap have i loved spiritualized ever since - especially the album with that song, ladies and gentlemen we are floating in space. that song definitely applied to his life at the time, but it in no way applied to mine. still a really excellent song. and this doesn't have anything to do with gerard, other than that is the background behind me ever hearing spiritualized.
today though, i have had broken heart by spiritualized on repeat.
Showing posts with label neurosis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label neurosis. Show all posts
fml.
you gave more than i would have asked for
i can't carve it out, though i've tried it before
and it kills me to know that it's dying in there
what once pinched with a thrill now just seems like a bore
i hate that i can't do with purpose
all the things that are done to me
its gone, too far below the surface
and it feeds on selected memories
you are the worst diet i could have asked for
i'm choking on the words i tried saying before
everything i eat makes me want to throw up
and everything i learn makes me hungry for more
i can't carve it out, though i've tried it before
and it kills me to know that it's dying in there
what once pinched with a thrill now just seems like a bore
i hate that i can't do with purpose
all the things that are done to me
its gone, too far below the surface
and it feeds on selected memories
you are the worst diet i could have asked for
i'm choking on the words i tried saying before
everything i eat makes me want to throw up
and everything i learn makes me hungry for more
it's like the sound of a tree falling in the woods with one hand clapping against it
things to remember, while i am thinking of them, but almost too tired to write about them. i hope at least some of this makes sense.
firstly, no packages today :( i got my acrylicana jewelry from my sister and my elliott smith hoodie from myself on friday. i'm expecting to get something in the mail from ishmael very soon. birthdays presents are nice, not because i need material things -usually if there is something i want, i will just buy it for myself - but because it shows that someone was thinking of you at a time when you weren't in the same room together and weren't actively speaking with eachother. that makes me feel good. lately, especially, in the midst of falling back into depression, it is nice to know that i am thought of occasionally, by a few people at least, whether it's my birthday or not. receiving mail must be one of my favorite things in the world. if anyone really wants to make my day, either send me mail or make me some sort of art, i live for those things. i was thinking about getting back in to doing mail swaps again. it was always fun to work on some silly holiday card or collage or themed art for someone and to get one or more of the same in return. it's an extremely pleasurable way to kill time. unfortunately, i'm not good with deadlines. and it's not quite the same as receiving personal mail from someone, or art from someone that you personally know. i treasure all of the little scraps that people have made for me. i rarely give anyone else anything i have made though, other than swaps, because... well... usually because it's not good enough. that, and i have trouble letting things go.
secondly, i had living on a prayer stuck in my head the entirety of the day, from this morning, watching a video of amanda palmer and jason webley covering it. doing laundry, going to starbucks, sitting on the bus, walking around the streets of seattle, i had playing in my head over and over "TAKE MY HAND, WE'LL MAKE IT, I SWEAR! WHOOOOA LIVING ON A PRAYER!" i just wanted to bust out all over the place.
thirdly, other than that, today was really lovely. there wasn't a bit of it that wasn't lovely. even doing laundry was lovely, other than i think i gave everyone a bit of a free show by accidentally scooping up the front of the skirt that i was wearing into my armful of laundry. it's amusing though, so, i suppose it's lovely too. i keep reminding myself of a Sylvia Plath quote, "Remember, remember, this is now, and now, and now. Live it, feel it, cling to it. I want to become acutely aware of all I've taken for granted". i have to remind myself of it almost constantly. i guess, in a sort of stupid way, i am thinking "whatever is happening right this very moment, it may not be the best thing that has ever happened to you, but it may be the best thing that ever happens from here on out. it is entirely possible that nothing this good will ever happen again, so pay attention." but not only that. i am trying to just enjoy things. everything, in fact. i'm trying not to take things so seriously, i'm trying to live in the moment and not worry so much. it seems counter-intuitive to have to force yourself to go with the flow, but when you have spent the better part of your life fighting against the flow, it can be really difficult to just let go and live. that doesn't mean not to TRY. there is a difference. you still have to try for things, otherwise there is no point to life, and you probably won't get anything that you want. i just can't get caught up so much in things that feel like failures.
fourth...ly, the bus. the bus. the bus. i don't know if i have been on a bus that crowded before. i'm sure i have, but i wasn't so aware of it. i was proud of myself for not having my head reeling in an agoraphobic fit. i thought of easter and whole foods and very nearly having a full fledged panic attack because there were so many people, and i couldn't get away. that was probably one of my worst moments. but, it was not so bad today. the worst of it was that i had some random persons ass in my face for half the ride. that might have been be best of it, had the ass not belonged to a middle-aged woman. but no, the worst of it was the lady that went by, rolling her suitcase along behind her, and i tried to move my legs out of her way, and my hip went out, and i spent the next two minutes silently and i suppose, inconspicuously clutching my hip and the muscles that were cramping around it, in such intense pain that i really thought i was going to vomit. that was the worst of it. but it went away after a bit and the rest of the ride was nice. it was quiet. with music in my left ear, and no inane yip-yap from random bus-goers in the right. sitting across from people you don't know is always somewhat awkward. there is nowhere to look really. i look at their shoes. there was a girl across from me with cute, brown flats on. i stared at that girls shoes so hard she might have felt me burning through them. before she got off the bus, i had a connection to those shoes. i knew those shoes like i know these woods like i know the back of my hand. but the shoes left, like everything does, taking the girl, tripping along with them. then another pair of shoes came along. they were on the feet of a man with a face like the protagonist from delicatessen... and who was also in amelie. not quite so strange looking as him though. those shoes made me depressed. they were hiking shoes. they were well-worn from being out, fulfilling their purpose, doing what they loved. they didn't want to be there on that bus in the city. i felt sorry for them. after a bit, the man moved seats. maybe he didn't like the way that i was looking at his shoes.
last but not least, cheesecake is good. i still have more than half of it left though. what ever shall i do with it?
firstly, no packages today :( i got my acrylicana jewelry from my sister and my elliott smith hoodie from myself on friday. i'm expecting to get something in the mail from ishmael very soon. birthdays presents are nice, not because i need material things -usually if there is something i want, i will just buy it for myself - but because it shows that someone was thinking of you at a time when you weren't in the same room together and weren't actively speaking with eachother. that makes me feel good. lately, especially, in the midst of falling back into depression, it is nice to know that i am thought of occasionally, by a few people at least, whether it's my birthday or not. receiving mail must be one of my favorite things in the world. if anyone really wants to make my day, either send me mail or make me some sort of art, i live for those things. i was thinking about getting back in to doing mail swaps again. it was always fun to work on some silly holiday card or collage or themed art for someone and to get one or more of the same in return. it's an extremely pleasurable way to kill time. unfortunately, i'm not good with deadlines. and it's not quite the same as receiving personal mail from someone, or art from someone that you personally know. i treasure all of the little scraps that people have made for me. i rarely give anyone else anything i have made though, other than swaps, because... well... usually because it's not good enough. that, and i have trouble letting things go.
secondly, i had living on a prayer stuck in my head the entirety of the day, from this morning, watching a video of amanda palmer and jason webley covering it. doing laundry, going to starbucks, sitting on the bus, walking around the streets of seattle, i had playing in my head over and over "TAKE MY HAND, WE'LL MAKE IT, I SWEAR! WHOOOOA LIVING ON A PRAYER!" i just wanted to bust out all over the place.
thirdly, other than that, today was really lovely. there wasn't a bit of it that wasn't lovely. even doing laundry was lovely, other than i think i gave everyone a bit of a free show by accidentally scooping up the front of the skirt that i was wearing into my armful of laundry. it's amusing though, so, i suppose it's lovely too. i keep reminding myself of a Sylvia Plath quote, "Remember, remember, this is now, and now, and now. Live it, feel it, cling to it. I want to become acutely aware of all I've taken for granted". i have to remind myself of it almost constantly. i guess, in a sort of stupid way, i am thinking "whatever is happening right this very moment, it may not be the best thing that has ever happened to you, but it may be the best thing that ever happens from here on out. it is entirely possible that nothing this good will ever happen again, so pay attention." but not only that. i am trying to just enjoy things. everything, in fact. i'm trying not to take things so seriously, i'm trying to live in the moment and not worry so much. it seems counter-intuitive to have to force yourself to go with the flow, but when you have spent the better part of your life fighting against the flow, it can be really difficult to just let go and live. that doesn't mean not to TRY. there is a difference. you still have to try for things, otherwise there is no point to life, and you probably won't get anything that you want. i just can't get caught up so much in things that feel like failures.
fourth...ly, the bus. the bus. the bus. i don't know if i have been on a bus that crowded before. i'm sure i have, but i wasn't so aware of it. i was proud of myself for not having my head reeling in an agoraphobic fit. i thought of easter and whole foods and very nearly having a full fledged panic attack because there were so many people, and i couldn't get away. that was probably one of my worst moments. but, it was not so bad today. the worst of it was that i had some random persons ass in my face for half the ride. that might have been be best of it, had the ass not belonged to a middle-aged woman. but no, the worst of it was the lady that went by, rolling her suitcase along behind her, and i tried to move my legs out of her way, and my hip went out, and i spent the next two minutes silently and i suppose, inconspicuously clutching my hip and the muscles that were cramping around it, in such intense pain that i really thought i was going to vomit. that was the worst of it. but it went away after a bit and the rest of the ride was nice. it was quiet. with music in my left ear, and no inane yip-yap from random bus-goers in the right. sitting across from people you don't know is always somewhat awkward. there is nowhere to look really. i look at their shoes. there was a girl across from me with cute, brown flats on. i stared at that girls shoes so hard she might have felt me burning through them. before she got off the bus, i had a connection to those shoes. i knew those shoes like i know these woods like i know the back of my hand. but the shoes left, like everything does, taking the girl, tripping along with them. then another pair of shoes came along. they were on the feet of a man with a face like the protagonist from delicatessen... and who was also in amelie. not quite so strange looking as him though. those shoes made me depressed. they were hiking shoes. they were well-worn from being out, fulfilling their purpose, doing what they loved. they didn't want to be there on that bus in the city. i felt sorry for them. after a bit, the man moved seats. maybe he didn't like the way that i was looking at his shoes.
last but not least, cheesecake is good. i still have more than half of it left though. what ever shall i do with it?
i will sing your fears if you sing my neurosis
i'm not entirely sure if this is the first time i have thought of this or not, but whilst being neurotic today, i came to the not-so-shocking realization that i am a lot more neurotic when i am by myself than i am when i am with other people. sure, everyone is, but i mean, i am really a lot more neurotic. it's not necessarily a bad thing. i LIKE being alone. i enjoy my own company. i kidn of enjoy my neurosis. but i am pretty fuckin weird in a lot of little ways.
example #1: i prefer my stereo to be on multiples of 5... usually 10, 15, or 20. if i am feeling extra screamy-loudy, then 25. none of those inbetween numbers are fit. it just FEELS better to turn it to a multiple of 5. it's not a big deal if it's not on a multiple of 5, i won't freak out or anything, but it's how i prefer it. if someone else puts it on a different number though, that doesn't bother me, it's only if i do it.
example #2: at starbucks was actually when i noticed it today; i had to get 3 napkins, they all needed to be re-folded properly and stacked exactly evenly upon each other before i could use them to hold my drink with.
example #3: without fail, i have to check the lock on a public bathroom 3 times before i can use the toilet. i always feel like if i don't, i will get walked in on. this fear was compounded a few weeks ago at work. i failed to check the lock... i think i had to pee really bad or something. i THOUGHT it was locked but someone opened the door anyway. luckily i was pulling my pants on at this point so no one saw anything haha. public bathrooms. christ. i have a lot of qualms with public bathrooms, but i think that things like not touching door handles and whatnot is more of a sanitation issue than being neurotic.
there are a lot of other silly little examples that i could give, but that gives you the idea. i think that i do a lot more of these kinds of things when i am by myself. it's either that i do it less around other people because other people are a distraction, or i do it the same amount but i don't notice that i do because people are a distraction.
i have gotten a lot better over the years. when i was little i was a LOT worse with the (self-diagnosed) ODC tendencies. i had to touch the wall a certain amount of times every time i left my bedroom, i had to recite a certain thing sort of like a prayer every night before bed, i couldn't be uncovered in bed, ever, especially my feet, i always had to have my back up against something, i had to cross my fingers and hold my breath as we drove past a graveyard, if a pet had died in a room of my house, i had to hold my breath while in that room, at least until i could open a window, i had things in my room arranged just so and i would get really into a panic if anyone would touch them or move them, etc. etc. etc. the list goes on and on and on.
i never really told anyone about most of these things. my mom knew a few of them, but definitely not the whole of it. i guess because i was embarrassed, but it doesn't bother me now. so. yes. neurotic. but less than i used to be, and happily so. the end?
example #1: i prefer my stereo to be on multiples of 5... usually 10, 15, or 20. if i am feeling extra screamy-loudy, then 25. none of those inbetween numbers are fit. it just FEELS better to turn it to a multiple of 5. it's not a big deal if it's not on a multiple of 5, i won't freak out or anything, but it's how i prefer it. if someone else puts it on a different number though, that doesn't bother me, it's only if i do it.
example #2: at starbucks was actually when i noticed it today; i had to get 3 napkins, they all needed to be re-folded properly and stacked exactly evenly upon each other before i could use them to hold my drink with.
example #3: without fail, i have to check the lock on a public bathroom 3 times before i can use the toilet. i always feel like if i don't, i will get walked in on. this fear was compounded a few weeks ago at work. i failed to check the lock... i think i had to pee really bad or something. i THOUGHT it was locked but someone opened the door anyway. luckily i was pulling my pants on at this point so no one saw anything haha. public bathrooms. christ. i have a lot of qualms with public bathrooms, but i think that things like not touching door handles and whatnot is more of a sanitation issue than being neurotic.
there are a lot of other silly little examples that i could give, but that gives you the idea. i think that i do a lot more of these kinds of things when i am by myself. it's either that i do it less around other people because other people are a distraction, or i do it the same amount but i don't notice that i do because people are a distraction.
i have gotten a lot better over the years. when i was little i was a LOT worse with the (self-diagnosed) ODC tendencies. i had to touch the wall a certain amount of times every time i left my bedroom, i had to recite a certain thing sort of like a prayer every night before bed, i couldn't be uncovered in bed, ever, especially my feet, i always had to have my back up against something, i had to cross my fingers and hold my breath as we drove past a graveyard, if a pet had died in a room of my house, i had to hold my breath while in that room, at least until i could open a window, i had things in my room arranged just so and i would get really into a panic if anyone would touch them or move them, etc. etc. etc. the list goes on and on and on.
i never really told anyone about most of these things. my mom knew a few of them, but definitely not the whole of it. i guess because i was embarrassed, but it doesn't bother me now. so. yes. neurotic. but less than i used to be, and happily so. the end?
