i always try to look for the lesson in everything that happens, but i don't know. i guess so far this whole year has been about making hard decisions, and growing some balls to have really awkward but necessary conversations with people, which never would have happened in the past. i am also kind of over being nice. everyone has always said that i am too nice, and i guess they were right. not that i want to be mean, but i am over being fake nice to people who don't deserve my genuine niceness- it kind of has to be earned. i would rather just not interact at all than be fake nice, it just invites unwanted situations and people. there are not that many people that i genuinely care too much about. i know that sounds awful and i guess on a human level i care about everyone to some extent... i don't wish ill on anyone and i don't hate anyone, and i wish everyone good luck, but i don't LIKE them, or care about their life or what happens in it at all. there are a small handful of people that i do care about, and that i would want to help if they needed it, but they are pretty few and far between. some of them are in different states, but most of them are nearby and i hope to keep them all as close as possible. the rest i hope to someday import...

kind of unrelated but i had a nice dream again last night. like, too nice. the kind that i wake up from sad because it wasn't true. i don't know.