one time, maybe 5 years ago or so, gerard was on AIM and he had an away message up, and the away message said "broken heart by spiritualized on repeat". i looked it up and listened to it and holy crap have i loved spiritualized ever since - especially the album with that song, ladies and gentlemen we are floating in space. that song definitely applied to his life at the time, but it in no way applied to mine. still a really excellent song. and this doesn't have anything to do with gerard, other than that is the background behind me ever hearing spiritualized.
today though, i have had broken heart by spiritualized on repeat.
i always try to look for the lesson in everything that happens, but i don't know. i guess so far this whole year has been about making hard decisions, and growing some balls to have really awkward but necessary conversations with people, which never would have happened in the past. i am also kind of over being nice. everyone has always said that i am too nice, and i guess they were right. not that i want to be mean, but i am over being fake nice to people who don't deserve my genuine niceness- it kind of has to be earned. i would rather just not interact at all than be fake nice, it just invites unwanted situations and people. there are not that many people that i genuinely care too much about. i know that sounds awful and i guess on a human level i care about everyone to some extent... i don't wish ill on anyone and i don't hate anyone, and i wish everyone good luck, but i don't LIKE them, or care about their life or what happens in it at all. there are a small handful of people that i do care about, and that i would want to help if they needed it, but they are pretty few and far between. some of them are in different states, but most of them are nearby and i hope to keep them all as close as possible. the rest i hope to someday import...
kind of unrelated but i had a nice dream again last night. like, too nice. the kind that i wake up from sad because it wasn't true. i don't know.
kind of unrelated but i had a nice dream again last night. like, too nice. the kind that i wake up from sad because it wasn't true. i don't know.
so, i suck at blogging on a timely basis.
it has been brought to my attention that i haven't blogged in "weeks" i.e. 6 days...i actually really would like to talk about camp tomato, which i did on sunday, but i want to get the photos uploaded and edited and stuff first for your viewing... pleasure?
in lieu of that, here is a conversation that i had with one of the regulars at mirkwood today.
jackie: you're looking really good, kelsi, how did you lose weight?
kelsi: oh, thanks. um, i broke up with my boyfriend and then i didn't eat for like a month.
jackie: so all you did was not eat for a month and you lost weight? no exercise or anything?
kelsi: ew, no. i don't exercise.
the diet of champions! i actually think i am starting to gain a little bit of weight back, now that i AM eating, and eating voraciously, which is not ideal, but it's whatever. i need to figure out how to lose BOOB WEIGHT because now i am a size medium everywhere except my boobs. so i buy a medium shirt or dress, it fits great except the boobs are too tight and it is stretched or i am squashed awkwardly. i buy a large shirt and it fits fine in the boobs but then the rest of it looks like a tent. so frustrating! AND i bought another bra that doesn't fit. normally i get a 34DD and i thought that maybe if i got a 36DD it might fit better. no. it doesn't. it is very ill-fitting indeed. so i am just stuck with the 34DD which is impossible. are there boob exercises or something?! i would like to be a C but i don't forsee that happening. i should i say, i don't forC that happening... har har.
p.s. if i keep losing hair the way that i have been (in massive, massive amounts), i am probably going to have to give up on growing it out for now and cut it shorter - the thought of which makes me really sad.
in lieu of that, here is a conversation that i had with one of the regulars at mirkwood today.
jackie: you're looking really good, kelsi, how did you lose weight?
kelsi: oh, thanks. um, i broke up with my boyfriend and then i didn't eat for like a month.
jackie: so all you did was not eat for a month and you lost weight? no exercise or anything?
kelsi: ew, no. i don't exercise.
the diet of champions! i actually think i am starting to gain a little bit of weight back, now that i AM eating, and eating voraciously, which is not ideal, but it's whatever. i need to figure out how to lose BOOB WEIGHT because now i am a size medium everywhere except my boobs. so i buy a medium shirt or dress, it fits great except the boobs are too tight and it is stretched or i am squashed awkwardly. i buy a large shirt and it fits fine in the boobs but then the rest of it looks like a tent. so frustrating! AND i bought another bra that doesn't fit. normally i get a 34DD and i thought that maybe if i got a 36DD it might fit better. no. it doesn't. it is very ill-fitting indeed. so i am just stuck with the 34DD which is impossible. are there boob exercises or something?! i would like to be a C but i don't forsee that happening. i should i say, i don't forC that happening... har har.
p.s. if i keep losing hair the way that i have been (in massive, massive amounts), i am probably going to have to give up on growing it out for now and cut it shorter - the thought of which makes me really sad.
the mirkwood brings out all the weirdos.
tonight was a lot of fun despite the plethora of weirdos to navigate around. at least some of them are good for a laugh.
erin and i determined that it's a really good thing that we don't act on our first impulses because everyone would think we were total bitches if we did. if we had no conscience or self-control and did act on our first impulses, it would make for a very interesting night though. i would have kissed one guy, barfed on a different guy's head, told off an old man, danced to some good music, and possibly physically assaulted at least one person haha. all of those things, save for the dancing, would have probably gotten me in a whole mess of trouble. oh, and erin DEFINITELY would have punched at least a couple of people in the head.
i am not a bad person because my first impulse is to do any of those things, i am a good person because i never actually DO do those things.
so suffice to say, i did none of those things, and just remained in my quiet little box of trying to only talk to my friends but if forced to talk to other people, be somewhat polite even if i don't like them. in the long run it gets me nowhere, but i guess nowhere is where i want to be right now.
maybe i will tell off that old man one of these days though. he is seriously starting to grind my gears. he needs to butt the fuck out of other people's business. if you think this dude-bro is so handsome, then quit trying to convince ME of it and YOU fuckin give him YOUR number instead of telling me to give him my number, right in front of him, and YOU go fuckin marry him and move to georgia and have four kids because the thought of that makes me want to off myself. you're not fuckin cupid, dude. quit being all creepy and trying to hook everyone up with everyone else. let people live their own lives. and YES i do mind that you think i'm "so darn gorgeous" and that you "wish you were 25..." becuase it's fucking creepy borderline sexual harassment, and NO i will not go dance, not all girls dance. fuck! OH, AND NO, I'M NOT SCARED OF YOU. don't give yourself that much credit, you don't have THAT kind of power over me. i just think you're an old creepy creeperson who needs to butt out of everyone's lives.
on a lighter note, i think i'm gonna get to go see jason webley tomorrow night if alicia still wants to go. if not, i'll probably go to the same show i went to tonight and see the same people that i do and don't want to see and have some fun and get harrassed some. i guess it all evens out. it would be so nice if i could just talk to the people i want to talk to the whole time and not have to talk to the weirdies, without being a total bitch about it. but i wanna see jason webley anyway! and then camp tomato on sundayyyyyy yeah!
erin and i determined that it's a really good thing that we don't act on our first impulses because everyone would think we were total bitches if we did. if we had no conscience or self-control and did act on our first impulses, it would make for a very interesting night though. i would have kissed one guy, barfed on a different guy's head, told off an old man, danced to some good music, and possibly physically assaulted at least one person haha. all of those things, save for the dancing, would have probably gotten me in a whole mess of trouble. oh, and erin DEFINITELY would have punched at least a couple of people in the head.
i am not a bad person because my first impulse is to do any of those things, i am a good person because i never actually DO do those things.
so suffice to say, i did none of those things, and just remained in my quiet little box of trying to only talk to my friends but if forced to talk to other people, be somewhat polite even if i don't like them. in the long run it gets me nowhere, but i guess nowhere is where i want to be right now.
maybe i will tell off that old man one of these days though. he is seriously starting to grind my gears. he needs to butt the fuck out of other people's business. if you think this dude-bro is so handsome, then quit trying to convince ME of it and YOU fuckin give him YOUR number instead of telling me to give him my number, right in front of him, and YOU go fuckin marry him and move to georgia and have four kids because the thought of that makes me want to off myself. you're not fuckin cupid, dude. quit being all creepy and trying to hook everyone up with everyone else. let people live their own lives. and YES i do mind that you think i'm "so darn gorgeous" and that you "wish you were 25..." becuase it's fucking creepy borderline sexual harassment, and NO i will not go dance, not all girls dance. fuck! OH, AND NO, I'M NOT SCARED OF YOU. don't give yourself that much credit, you don't have THAT kind of power over me. i just think you're an old creepy creeperson who needs to butt out of everyone's lives.
on a lighter note, i think i'm gonna get to go see jason webley tomorrow night if alicia still wants to go. if not, i'll probably go to the same show i went to tonight and see the same people that i do and don't want to see and have some fun and get harrassed some. i guess it all evens out. it would be so nice if i could just talk to the people i want to talk to the whole time and not have to talk to the weirdies, without being a total bitch about it. but i wanna see jason webley anyway! and then camp tomato on sundayyyyyy yeah!
♬ who needs love when the sandwiches are wicked and they know you at the mac store? ♬
this has been a fucking lovely few days off and i have been in a truly excellent mood! (is it weird that any time i see/say/hear the word "truly" i just think "jem is outrageous, truly truly truly outrageous oooo jem!"? also when i mention jem, WHY DOES NO ONE EVER KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT?! there is no excuse. none.) anyway. i'll break it down into a few simple equations...
sunday = good company + air show + sunshine x (not too much) + mirkfood
monday = much needed time by myself + delicious sandwich + MAC + new clothes + cleaning
tuesday = good company + comics + coffee + cupcakes + people watching + superb weather
what more could i ask for on my days off, really???
now that i have the ability to charge my camera, i keep forgetting to take pictures with it! gahh! so no pictures of being out and about but a couple of loot pics...
i heart MAC, hell yeah!
CUTE new dress that i bought and wore today. loves it.
i need to go to the beach or something so i have occasion to wear this romper...
and i love when my hair decides to be crazy on its own
sunday = good company + air show + sunshine x (not too much) + mirkfood
monday = much needed time by myself + delicious sandwich + MAC + new clothes + cleaning
tuesday = good company + comics + coffee + cupcakes + people watching + superb weather
what more could i ask for on my days off, really???
now that i have the ability to charge my camera, i keep forgetting to take pictures with it! gahh! so no pictures of being out and about but a couple of loot pics...
i heart MAC, hell yeah!
CUTE new dress that i bought and wore today. loves it.
i need to go to the beach or something so i have occasion to wear this romper...
and i love when my hair decides to be crazy on its own
i can never think up names for my poems and shite..
and then i freeze to death when i'm ready to sleep
because there's too much room with nothing and no one beside me
this sickness is the only company i keep
and dead silence where there used to be a heart beat
fml.
you gave more than i would have asked for
i can't carve it out, though i've tried it before
and it kills me to know that it's dying in there
what once pinched with a thrill now just seems like a bore
i hate that i can't do with purpose
all the things that are done to me
its gone, too far below the surface
and it feeds on selected memories
you are the worst diet i could have asked for
i'm choking on the words i tried saying before
everything i eat makes me want to throw up
and everything i learn makes me hungry for more
i can't carve it out, though i've tried it before
and it kills me to know that it's dying in there
what once pinched with a thrill now just seems like a bore
i hate that i can't do with purpose
all the things that are done to me
its gone, too far below the surface
and it feeds on selected memories
you are the worst diet i could have asked for
i'm choking on the words i tried saying before
everything i eat makes me want to throw up
and everything i learn makes me hungry for more
through the gates of horn and ivory
last night, for the first time in a few months, i didn't have nightmares all night and wake up nauseous. i don't know why. i actually had a GOOD dream. it was fucking lovely, which makes it almost worse than having a nightmare, because i woke up to realize that it was just a stupid dream and clearly i was still alone. and it was one of those really vivid, lucid dreams that i so rarely get, though now i am forgetting the details, it's more just a feeling, a yummy fuzzy warm feeling that i missed having, and it's painful to have because i don't think it will be coming back any time soon since i haven't got any say in anything. so now it's just a really nice memory of a resolution that i only wish had happened. sad, silly girl.
the only thing that i did differently last night from most nights was that i forgot to bring home my computer so i was forced to read BOOKS instead of go online, which was actually really nice. i read the first part of "the sandman companion" which talks about hidden layers in the sandman graphic novel series. then i started reading "a bridge across forever" which is a book by richard bach, the author of the book "illusions" which is by far one of my favorite novels ever. it's a close tie with "the bell jar" for being my favorite actually. anyway, i have had this book on my shelf forever but been reluctant to read it, probably because the subtitle is "a love story" but fuck, that's the subtitle for wristcutters too and that is an amazing movie. and it's richard bach is amazing, so i convinced myself to start reading it. being that it is a love story, evidently, it's probably going to end up making me sad later on, but right now it's nice, and reminiscent of illusions. side note - i happen to have TWO copies of a bridge across forever, hardback and paperback, which i discovered last night. why do i have two copies of everything? i don't know anyone who reads books.... so i have no idea who to give it to. anyway, i fell asleep after reading the first chapter of a bridge across forever, in which he debates whether or not there is such a thing as a soulmate, and why most of the really spiritually advanced people in history never seem to have a partner.
i personally think it's very unlikely that everyone has one soulmate. at least today that's what i think. tomorrow i might change my mind. free will, you know. i think it's far more likely that there are soulmates or soul groups, which can include friends and family or anyone that you are supposed to, or are more inclined to spend portions of your life with for whatever reason. for example, if there are soulmates, i am 100% sure that aurora is one of mine. she is just one of those rare people where i am like "she GETS it", not many people REALLY do. and on the romantic aspect,if we are going with this soulmate theory, then obviously a lot of people get with people that aren't one of their potential soulmates and have horrid relationships, and other people probably do get with others who are one of their soulmates but muck it up before for one reason or another. anyway, not to sound unromantic, but i doubt there is any ONE person for another. there are maybe a handful at least that you can have an almost perfect relationship with, it's just a matter of finding them. but i'm not even going to bother looking. all of mine are probably in siberia or something and i'll never find them if i look anyway. or i was already with all of them at some point and was too timid or too impatient and fucked it ten ways from sunday. i guess i will just wait for one to come to me or be alone. some days i like being alone, but most of the time i fucking despise it. oh well, goodnight. hopefully the sandman will be kind to me and bring me more nice dreams tonight, and if it continues, i will just attempt to sleep as much as possible from now on.
the only thing that i did differently last night from most nights was that i forgot to bring home my computer so i was forced to read BOOKS instead of go online, which was actually really nice. i read the first part of "the sandman companion" which talks about hidden layers in the sandman graphic novel series. then i started reading "a bridge across forever" which is a book by richard bach, the author of the book "illusions" which is by far one of my favorite novels ever. it's a close tie with "the bell jar" for being my favorite actually. anyway, i have had this book on my shelf forever but been reluctant to read it, probably because the subtitle is "a love story" but fuck, that's the subtitle for wristcutters too and that is an amazing movie. and it's richard bach is amazing, so i convinced myself to start reading it. being that it is a love story, evidently, it's probably going to end up making me sad later on, but right now it's nice, and reminiscent of illusions. side note - i happen to have TWO copies of a bridge across forever, hardback and paperback, which i discovered last night. why do i have two copies of everything? i don't know anyone who reads books.... so i have no idea who to give it to. anyway, i fell asleep after reading the first chapter of a bridge across forever, in which he debates whether or not there is such a thing as a soulmate, and why most of the really spiritually advanced people in history never seem to have a partner.
i personally think it's very unlikely that everyone has one soulmate. at least today that's what i think. tomorrow i might change my mind. free will, you know. i think it's far more likely that there are soulmates or soul groups, which can include friends and family or anyone that you are supposed to, or are more inclined to spend portions of your life with for whatever reason. for example, if there are soulmates, i am 100% sure that aurora is one of mine. she is just one of those rare people where i am like "she GETS it", not many people REALLY do. and on the romantic aspect,if we are going with this soulmate theory, then obviously a lot of people get with people that aren't one of their potential soulmates and have horrid relationships, and other people probably do get with others who are one of their soulmates but muck it up before for one reason or another. anyway, not to sound unromantic, but i doubt there is any ONE person for another. there are maybe a handful at least that you can have an almost perfect relationship with, it's just a matter of finding them. but i'm not even going to bother looking. all of mine are probably in siberia or something and i'll never find them if i look anyway. or i was already with all of them at some point and was too timid or too impatient and fucked it ten ways from sunday. i guess i will just wait for one to come to me or be alone. some days i like being alone, but most of the time i fucking despise it. oh well, goodnight. hopefully the sandman will be kind to me and bring me more nice dreams tonight, and if it continues, i will just attempt to sleep as much as possible from now on.
